"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?" John Wooden

A thought that has been crossing my mind many times the last few days.

"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

I have had the unique and ever so challenging experience of fulfilling Shakespeare's  proverb;

"t'is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all"

 I spent merely a short four months with my dear brothers, sisters, and friends at the Honor Academy; but as we all know at the HA, one day is as long as a week, a week as short as three days, three days like a month, and a month passes faster than a week should!  by the end of four months my heart and mind couldn't even agree if it was four months or 2 years. Never the less, it felt like a timeless eternity that I spent with them.  Fighting through the transitions, the drama, the conflict, the PEARL, LTEs, MAN-Fasts, Core Unity, and other unique trials.  Though looking back it seems almost trivial, slight issues, unimportant arguments, pointless disagreements, and small battles in comparison to the sorts we face on the home front.  Though, for those of you who've never experienced the Matrix Effect, being unplugged for a period of time, it would make believing the wars we fight at home and in the rest of our lives nigh unintelligible. However, for those of us who've unplugged once or twice, the fights we experienced while we were together, though petty, brought us together as though in a war.
All of which was to say, that though it was only four months, a mere four months, and yet these kids are some my closest friends!  The first time in over four years that men have been able to claim that spot in my life, and the first time in a long while that people have weaseled their way into my heart to the level at which these kids have.  I say kids, no, they're not kids, there younger than me, by one or two years, but I love them like they were my kids... my girls, daughters and sons, kids I poured into.. they'll soon be turning and pouring into someone else...
My four, very short months, passed me by like a fluttering blink of an eye.  In the midst of it, it felt like eternity unending, but now I struggle to maintain coherent time between events, days, and weeks.. my four months passed me by, quickly, ever so quickly, and it occurs to me that the Italian Satirist Dario Fo was dead on when he wrote "know how to live the time that is given you."
I tried to pour out all I had, however I excused my shortcomings by pleading overworked, tired, and busy.  I didn't take the time to do what was the most important.  I regret not pouring out fully, not giving everything I had.  I tried to dump a little more out my very last day, but one day is all too short for some of what should have been said.
I've learned, through the memories, and the disheartened regrets, I now have grown a little, learned a little, matured a little, and hopefully wont make the same mistake again.... soon.
It's time to make each moment intentional don't you think?
I didn't once expect to be in Texas only the four months, who knows just how long I will be in St. Cloud?  How long will I be here?  Or there when the time comes for me to be there, its tremendous to see that I have such a chance to waste opportunity... not any more.

I have the time, I have the reason, I will be making the time.

Consider this a bit of wisdom learned quite recently.

The Hardest Part-

First let me say I apologize for my tardiness in this post... if I am not mistaken, its among the three day mark that I committed to blog every day, yet as God endowed me with a mind of great deductive reasoning I certainly used it to its fullest potential by typing that blog out on my friend's computer as mine has thrown itself a pitty-party by getting a virus.  This deductive mind hadn't comprehended that I can't blog daily with no computer... Never the less, I am apologizing less for your sake because obviously these posts haven't been of great inspiration to you I'm sure, yet I made that commitment and I hadn't quite realized it's implausibility.

Now, on to the actual content of this post.

The time-stamp this blog will come with makes the following statement redundant yet I will say it anyway; it is 6:53AM on Thursday November 17th, and I am sitting here at my desk in Mission Control (That's quite literally its name) of the Global Expeditions Call Center.  Today marks the starting of the clock to my potential  voyage home.  But a little background first.
A few weeks ago, my teetering back and forth between staying here at the Honor Academy and going home to St. Cloud came to a head with the mental resolution that if I am truly supposed to be going home, then I should hope to stay at least until Christmas, that being the most financially advantageous choice.  Consequently my grandma had sent me an email the same day, where I read almost verbatim the same words I had expressed to the darkness hours before that evening.  This is, what we in the Church, call "Conformation."  A little while had passed, and all my musings about it all had merely become a faint memory in the harried life we live here as Interns.  Then, I received an email.  This email basically reminding me that I have no more days to spend fundraising and consequently will be needing to meet, yet again, with the Director of Intern Relations to discuss a final Financial deadline before I am "Financially Dismissed."  And that is now where you find me, blogging, as I had said at my desk.
Life seems to be quite interesting.  Whatever impact I may have hoped to have on people here is fading "confirming" all the more that my time here is done.  I had taken the initiative to pack all of my things getting ready for whenever they determined I was done, and apparently that sent ripples throughout the dorm.  I had whispered a mere side-note that I may be leaving by weeks end, and now the questions from all sides have been streaming in as if it had been broadcast on CNN.  
These questions followed by poignant comments, and memories I hadn't prepared myself for.  I know that I will miss people here, some that surprised me, other of course I anticipated, but I can say that I had no idea I had said enough things to spur my roommates into a "quote-a-thon" my roommate Max said last night "When you leave we'll be quoting TCisms for the rest of our lives."  Now Max is often prone to exaggeration, but I have this urking feeling he was more serious this time.
The hardest part, in my opinion is the fact that no matter where you go, when you go you miss those you had around you, and when you return to those you left, you cannot help but miss those you left to return.
Seems an endless conundrum.

I am excited to see those whom I left, and am excited to see how they've grown, to see how life has progressed in my absence and to try to find my spot again.  Never the less I shall be missing my CORE, Max, Britt, Steven, Bobby, the Brothers of 3114, and of course the sisters.
This predicament seems relentless.

The hardest part about going, is the leaving, the hardest part about leaving is the missing, the hardest part about the missing is troublesome fact that coming or going you're always leaving somewhere, and as long as there is a somewhere there was a someone, and more often than not many someones.

The hardest part then, is that leaving means missing, and you can never get to where you're going without leaving where you are, and leaving those who were with you...

So heres to missing friends, of sorts I hadn't meant to miss.. I raise my glass and tip my hat to you all..  and dare I say it.. I  love you. 

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

It comes to my attention that my friend and fellow blogger Bethany Sue author of "Sweetly Breathing ~:" had a point when she said this;

"I don't know why, but last night I decided that I needed to try and make a blog post everyday. Even if it's small and not as significant as others (such as this) I just figured it would be a good idea to start doing this. ..."

 So, I will take this to heart, and you might expect more submissions than normal.  Here and there, I may submit more than one a day, I'm finding there's always just so much to be said, and sometimes no way to tie it all together...

With that I will sign off this blog and begin my next one haha.
Hopefully the more regal among you will not be annoyed :]

Holy

Some of you know me, and some of you know me well enough to know that for all of my religious zeal, I am not a typical Christian zealot.  The typical zealot will respond to you entirely out of scripture almost as though they have no understanding of where you are coming from, and it might almost seem that, their best intentions not withstanding, they are essentially loveless.. This is not how I do business.  However, that doesn't mean that I discount the value of the scriptures.  I do not.  I am far from that platform.  Now, one thing of the zealots I have always envied is the apparent ability for them to get lost in a moment of worship.  This is something that eludes me.  For better or for worse my mind simply operates at a rapid speed.  Throw in ADD, and now toss a dash of theoretical thought and philosophy. You can walk into a room and be awed by the lights, and the mood, and the sounds, but I walk in and for a few seconds I have already processed the cool lights and mood, the sounds, and now I find myself awed by the physics. I am taken aback by the psychology, and have likely moved into the philosophical by the first five minutes...  The ramifications of this in a context of worship are enormous.  I can start out well intentioned, but I will soon find myself having debated an issue in my head, and the only thing that reminded me of this is the song ended and the next one has begun.  Yet, I also realized I was singing the whole time.  My heart becomes heavy because of this.. I cannot seem to just lose sight of the world in the presence of a God who transcends my four dimensions!  This is a problem for someone who puts the emphasis I do on my relationship with Christ.  However, today... today I saw this happen. My mind has been all over the place today, this weekend, and life is crazy!  But today at worship, we just sang one song.  Condensed it comes out as just these lines.
"King of Glory, have your glory"
"King of Glory, have your glory"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"Holy"
"Holy yeah"
"is the lord God almighty"
This song lasted 20min.  But I was lost in the idea of "Holy"
For the first time in my life, my brain was driven and focused on this one idea, and theres enough inside that one word to occupy my multi-processing brain.
It was a beautiful thing.  I can't stand here and say that a great word from the heavens descended upon me, but I can say when I opened my eyes, half of the room was on the floor... the other half had their eyes closed, and Mr. Olsson was praying out the worship set, it was simply a beautiful moment.

My words at the end, the first utterence out of my mouth... was so articulate, so poetic, the stuff of classical writers... this one word of repute and import, this one syllable of academic prowess, was simply and understatedly

....... "wow"........

Life NOW BITE SIZE!

I have been doing this whole life thing for a good two decades, and in that time there have been many moments where time seemed to defy it's own character.  When you're young, life can't possibly be going fast enough, you're not tall, big, or strong, you're merely this little thing that takes three steps for Dad's one. Then comes that moment, that un-definable moment, where the clocks over the earth stop and take notice, all of space and time halt dead in their tracks, the everything the world over becomes silent as you experience the first real kiss of your life.  Time no longer means a thing.  Then you blink once or twice, and find yourself starring college square in the face and wonder what happened to those sweet simple years of High School.  Yet even as we have all seen this, even as some of us have gone to places such as Camp Shamineau, and experienced life happening at alarming rates, and friendships born out of urgency and accelerated days, seem tighter than the ones from lifetimes ago.  Even as all of these things happen, and I knew they would again, I look at my life here at the Honor Academy and wonder at how very much does happen in such a small amount of time.  It's hard to imagine what life was like (on the side of experience) back in a world, really back in the world.  An hour feels like three, a day like a week, a week much like a month, and a month like half a year.  It boggles my mind to think over how much has happened and see that what otherwise might take a good two years of life to occur has in fact been done in but a month and a half.
There is quite a lot of stress in this place.  Regrettable as it may be.  Yet, one could hardly ask it not to but expect the effect just the same.  Here I've found myself in question of why, what has brought me here, (of't I ask what could possibly have compelled me to), what do I hope to learn, what were my expectations and how are they progressing. I ask these question in a quantity and frequency likely not beneficial, and reap from them answers of the same dearth as they're worth.  
Life here can be trying to say the least, I come from a mentality where my life is to pour out.  Its what I do, its who I am; and not that I cannot change it, but why on earth would I? Yet I came from a place where work was less so the same, and often I had more time to reclaim the energy spent that day.  But here is not such a place. They push us in classes (good things all the way) and ask us to work 7hours of the day. Then after we've put what heart left we had, we then are sent forth to love on our clan, the men we call brothers, the ladies our sisters, we love on, and minister to, for long untamed hours.  For some I imagine such ministry natural, but those who give out so much, like me find it harsh, to still find more self to pour into our Core.
(By the way this has become a bad poem for no reason, and I have chosen to stop that as of this moment as I am annoyed!)
So we attend our classes, we work in our ministries, we pour out into our family (the men and women we're grouped into families with). and then if there is still time we may have an hour or so to go and say hi to the friends we don't see.
I came here wanting to grow, I came here wanting to break. The breaking may happen, though unlikely the kind I envisioned.  But as of so far the lessons, the learning, the "teachable moments" the Core Time, and Family time, these are all lessons I have learned already.  I am not learning.  Life gets so condensed here, its hard to keep in mind that I came here to encounter a Living God, not to waste time in a year of review.  There is so much I could be doing, the ministries back home, there are people who no one loves, no one remembers, those who are ignored, beaten down and cast out, the people my heart breaks for, those people I love.  I could be there, with them, loving them ministering to them, trying to show Christ to them.  There is my Saint Cloud.  A place that has been called "The City where Pastors go to Die"  This place my heart breaks for, because the only christian influence we see is a group of teens who love less than the LGBT, and preachers who scream.  Christ is not like these people!  I could be there trying to fight that. Trying to fight for them, maybe a little.
I was asleep this morning, and I found myself spinning around in memories.  Painful memories, and I found, one thing after all the places I went, that I need to seek the Face of this God, if this year is to mean anything thats the only thing I can do.  I struggle so much to want to go home, to love on those people and be fighting there now.  Then I remember these people are here too, one of us just this week tried (though unsuccessfully) to end his life on campus.  Now I am torn, go to where no one is speaking, or go to where no one is listening.
I am torn.
Bitterly and unwavering torn.

The Calm Before the Storm

Here I sit, awaiting the moments where I will probably endure the most tremendous physical pressure I've ever seen, undergo excruciating emotional strain, and find myself (GOD WILLING!) starring brokenness in the face.  In but a few hours more I will have lost my name... they will not call out in joy "TC!" they will not utter in concern "TC?" they will but, through groans of pained exhaustion, shout "311!"
My name, is 311.
I have no rank, but I am 311, I am a member of the 6th Platoon of Massachusettes, and will for the next (apparently indeterminate) few days be tried by the most intense role play I've yet seen.
I have no name, I have given up the things that made me noticed, I have no piercings, I have shaved my head, I will be standing in the trenches as a nameless, faceless, number to possibly remove this illusion of individual entitlement that the American society has instilled.
I stand there, though, not merely being tested, but I have challenged them to BRING IT!
I have asked my company leaders, my coaches, my Captin, my General, my facilitators to push me harder!
This is going to break me.
It has to break me!
If I can walk away from this, the same, without any change, then I have proven to myself now irrevocably, that I am fully self-sufficient! Fully Self-capable! that no challenge can face me that I am unable to solely overcome alone.
This will be the greatest tragedy in my life to date.
To know how pathetic I am and yet find nothing that can undermine me.
So I Bring it!
I willingly choose to abandon my identity, my name, my features, to assimilate unto this illusion of self, the face I have not known, the voice I have not heard, the eyes I dared not look in.
I willingly now step out to die to self, to meet my silhoette and perhaps heal this voided disconnect.

But for now, these minutes, these grand and glorious minutes I wait, in the calm before the storm, anticipating the life change, envisioning the turmoil, psyching up for the strains.  These minutes, these great and wonderful minutes I continue now, to serve, to extend the call in voice to many "WILL YOU GO?!"
Shortly, I will stand before the alter and find my heart in disrepair, desperate and weakened. 
Then, in that moment, I will be called to arms, and I will step out, leaving behind a false sense of self, and stepping into what may prove to be, the birthday I never had.
Dream as I may, feeling slightly torn,
but as for now,
I wait...
In the calm before the storm

The gauntlet has been thrown!

It has almost been three full weeks since my arriving here.  And lets be honest, its felt like much longer than that. I haven't been able to capture these last weeks into words, and not sure I can even yet.
This has been a magnanimously overwhelming week.  God has decided to begin the relentless process of destabalizing many of my personal walls, and has placed very purposely certain people in my life to accomplish this with a fever I have yet otherwise to see.
I came here with the intention  of transformation, I came here with the mindset of surrender, and not with the intentions of leading, and I find myself always in a position of leadership, either on our morning run,  or in the dorms.
However, I could easily say that I am in the best shape I have ever been in my life.  We get up at 5am, we're out on the ANVIL by 5:30AM pumping out Navy calisthenics, and then off to a three mile run.  It is amazing!
As I am writing this I find myself falling short of my own expectations, unable to capture the true picture of all that's happened in mere words.
This has been a truly awing experience.  Many of us know that in places like this we find the relationships we make to develop quickly, the Honor Academy is no exception, the relationships I've formed here seem already life long, and its mindblowing to acknowledge that it's only been three weeks.
Three weeks, and I have friends that I miss,  three weeks and I realize right now, were I to go home, a part of me would rejoice in my return and a part would remain in Texas.
Three weeks, and I find that even now, there are alterations under way that will dramatically impact the next year of my life in such a way as to radically change my world.

Let me, for a moment, pause, slow to understand that when I say things like "Change the world," "Impact," "make a difference" it is not with a blight nonchalance that I do so, it is sober-mindedly assessing that one person can affect at least one person who will go on to affect one person, if in one year a life is changed, then after 10 years 10 lives are changed, but if I were to strive harder, to make it my mission to touch more than just one life, what if I purposed my life to love unconditionally, to care with reckless abandon, to lead with passion, and to serve with zeal then I could easily affect 100 lives, and those 100 lives now forever different because they met me, will go one to affect 100 more, by the end of one year 1million lives are changed!     \

I came here to light on fire, I came here to recapture my relationship with Christ, what I have found (only in three weeks) is that the fire was never out, the relationship never dry, that I only needed to wake up and realize the truth of where I am.  Now, that I have seen that I am purposing my life to strive for excellence, to have a vision of GENUINELY impacting the lives of those around me, longing for the wisdom to do so, disciplining myself in order to accomplish this, and leading those who desire to make a difference.
My heartbeat is to provoke a young generation to passionately pursue Jesus Christ and to take His life giving message to the ends of the earth, and empowering Godly men and women to posses wisdom, vision, and discipline to excel as leaders who's lives advance the kingdom of God.  And I will conduct myself Honorably before God and man in word, thought, and deed. My heart's cry is to see lives actually lived to their potential, I am tired of watching us waste away.

Semper Honorablus!