Holy

Some of you know me, and some of you know me well enough to know that for all of my religious zeal, I am not a typical Christian zealot.  The typical zealot will respond to you entirely out of scripture almost as though they have no understanding of where you are coming from, and it might almost seem that, their best intentions not withstanding, they are essentially loveless.. This is not how I do business.  However, that doesn't mean that I discount the value of the scriptures.  I do not.  I am far from that platform.  Now, one thing of the zealots I have always envied is the apparent ability for them to get lost in a moment of worship.  This is something that eludes me.  For better or for worse my mind simply operates at a rapid speed.  Throw in ADD, and now toss a dash of theoretical thought and philosophy. You can walk into a room and be awed by the lights, and the mood, and the sounds, but I walk in and for a few seconds I have already processed the cool lights and mood, the sounds, and now I find myself awed by the physics. I am taken aback by the psychology, and have likely moved into the philosophical by the first five minutes...  The ramifications of this in a context of worship are enormous.  I can start out well intentioned, but I will soon find myself having debated an issue in my head, and the only thing that reminded me of this is the song ended and the next one has begun.  Yet, I also realized I was singing the whole time.  My heart becomes heavy because of this.. I cannot seem to just lose sight of the world in the presence of a God who transcends my four dimensions!  This is a problem for someone who puts the emphasis I do on my relationship with Christ.  However, today... today I saw this happen. My mind has been all over the place today, this weekend, and life is crazy!  But today at worship, we just sang one song.  Condensed it comes out as just these lines.
"King of Glory, have your glory"
"King of Glory, have your glory"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"only one words comes to mind, only one word can describe"
"Holy"
"Holy yeah"
"is the lord God almighty"
This song lasted 20min.  But I was lost in the idea of "Holy"
For the first time in my life, my brain was driven and focused on this one idea, and theres enough inside that one word to occupy my multi-processing brain.
It was a beautiful thing.  I can't stand here and say that a great word from the heavens descended upon me, but I can say when I opened my eyes, half of the room was on the floor... the other half had their eyes closed, and Mr. Olsson was praying out the worship set, it was simply a beautiful moment.

My words at the end, the first utterence out of my mouth... was so articulate, so poetic, the stuff of classical writers... this one word of repute and import, this one syllable of academic prowess, was simply and understatedly

....... "wow"........

Life NOW BITE SIZE!

I have been doing this whole life thing for a good two decades, and in that time there have been many moments where time seemed to defy it's own character.  When you're young, life can't possibly be going fast enough, you're not tall, big, or strong, you're merely this little thing that takes three steps for Dad's one. Then comes that moment, that un-definable moment, where the clocks over the earth stop and take notice, all of space and time halt dead in their tracks, the everything the world over becomes silent as you experience the first real kiss of your life.  Time no longer means a thing.  Then you blink once or twice, and find yourself starring college square in the face and wonder what happened to those sweet simple years of High School.  Yet even as we have all seen this, even as some of us have gone to places such as Camp Shamineau, and experienced life happening at alarming rates, and friendships born out of urgency and accelerated days, seem tighter than the ones from lifetimes ago.  Even as all of these things happen, and I knew they would again, I look at my life here at the Honor Academy and wonder at how very much does happen in such a small amount of time.  It's hard to imagine what life was like (on the side of experience) back in a world, really back in the world.  An hour feels like three, a day like a week, a week much like a month, and a month like half a year.  It boggles my mind to think over how much has happened and see that what otherwise might take a good two years of life to occur has in fact been done in but a month and a half.
There is quite a lot of stress in this place.  Regrettable as it may be.  Yet, one could hardly ask it not to but expect the effect just the same.  Here I've found myself in question of why, what has brought me here, (of't I ask what could possibly have compelled me to), what do I hope to learn, what were my expectations and how are they progressing. I ask these question in a quantity and frequency likely not beneficial, and reap from them answers of the same dearth as they're worth.  
Life here can be trying to say the least, I come from a mentality where my life is to pour out.  Its what I do, its who I am; and not that I cannot change it, but why on earth would I? Yet I came from a place where work was less so the same, and often I had more time to reclaim the energy spent that day.  But here is not such a place. They push us in classes (good things all the way) and ask us to work 7hours of the day. Then after we've put what heart left we had, we then are sent forth to love on our clan, the men we call brothers, the ladies our sisters, we love on, and minister to, for long untamed hours.  For some I imagine such ministry natural, but those who give out so much, like me find it harsh, to still find more self to pour into our Core.
(By the way this has become a bad poem for no reason, and I have chosen to stop that as of this moment as I am annoyed!)
So we attend our classes, we work in our ministries, we pour out into our family (the men and women we're grouped into families with). and then if there is still time we may have an hour or so to go and say hi to the friends we don't see.
I came here wanting to grow, I came here wanting to break. The breaking may happen, though unlikely the kind I envisioned.  But as of so far the lessons, the learning, the "teachable moments" the Core Time, and Family time, these are all lessons I have learned already.  I am not learning.  Life gets so condensed here, its hard to keep in mind that I came here to encounter a Living God, not to waste time in a year of review.  There is so much I could be doing, the ministries back home, there are people who no one loves, no one remembers, those who are ignored, beaten down and cast out, the people my heart breaks for, those people I love.  I could be there, with them, loving them ministering to them, trying to show Christ to them.  There is my Saint Cloud.  A place that has been called "The City where Pastors go to Die"  This place my heart breaks for, because the only christian influence we see is a group of teens who love less than the LGBT, and preachers who scream.  Christ is not like these people!  I could be there trying to fight that. Trying to fight for them, maybe a little.
I was asleep this morning, and I found myself spinning around in memories.  Painful memories, and I found, one thing after all the places I went, that I need to seek the Face of this God, if this year is to mean anything thats the only thing I can do.  I struggle so much to want to go home, to love on those people and be fighting there now.  Then I remember these people are here too, one of us just this week tried (though unsuccessfully) to end his life on campus.  Now I am torn, go to where no one is speaking, or go to where no one is listening.
I am torn.
Bitterly and unwavering torn.