The Calm Before the Storm

Here I sit, awaiting the moments where I will probably endure the most tremendous physical pressure I've ever seen, undergo excruciating emotional strain, and find myself (GOD WILLING!) starring brokenness in the face.  In but a few hours more I will have lost my name... they will not call out in joy "TC!" they will not utter in concern "TC?" they will but, through groans of pained exhaustion, shout "311!"
My name, is 311.
I have no rank, but I am 311, I am a member of the 6th Platoon of Massachusettes, and will for the next (apparently indeterminate) few days be tried by the most intense role play I've yet seen.
I have no name, I have given up the things that made me noticed, I have no piercings, I have shaved my head, I will be standing in the trenches as a nameless, faceless, number to possibly remove this illusion of individual entitlement that the American society has instilled.
I stand there, though, not merely being tested, but I have challenged them to BRING IT!
I have asked my company leaders, my coaches, my Captin, my General, my facilitators to push me harder!
This is going to break me.
It has to break me!
If I can walk away from this, the same, without any change, then I have proven to myself now irrevocably, that I am fully self-sufficient! Fully Self-capable! that no challenge can face me that I am unable to solely overcome alone.
This will be the greatest tragedy in my life to date.
To know how pathetic I am and yet find nothing that can undermine me.
So I Bring it!
I willingly choose to abandon my identity, my name, my features, to assimilate unto this illusion of self, the face I have not known, the voice I have not heard, the eyes I dared not look in.
I willingly now step out to die to self, to meet my silhoette and perhaps heal this voided disconnect.

But for now, these minutes, these grand and glorious minutes I wait, in the calm before the storm, anticipating the life change, envisioning the turmoil, psyching up for the strains.  These minutes, these great and wonderful minutes I continue now, to serve, to extend the call in voice to many "WILL YOU GO?!"
Shortly, I will stand before the alter and find my heart in disrepair, desperate and weakened. 
Then, in that moment, I will be called to arms, and I will step out, leaving behind a false sense of self, and stepping into what may prove to be, the birthday I never had.
Dream as I may, feeling slightly torn,
but as for now,
I wait...
In the calm before the storm

The gauntlet has been thrown!

It has almost been three full weeks since my arriving here.  And lets be honest, its felt like much longer than that. I haven't been able to capture these last weeks into words, and not sure I can even yet.
This has been a magnanimously overwhelming week.  God has decided to begin the relentless process of destabalizing many of my personal walls, and has placed very purposely certain people in my life to accomplish this with a fever I have yet otherwise to see.
I came here with the intention  of transformation, I came here with the mindset of surrender, and not with the intentions of leading, and I find myself always in a position of leadership, either on our morning run,  or in the dorms.
However, I could easily say that I am in the best shape I have ever been in my life.  We get up at 5am, we're out on the ANVIL by 5:30AM pumping out Navy calisthenics, and then off to a three mile run.  It is amazing!
As I am writing this I find myself falling short of my own expectations, unable to capture the true picture of all that's happened in mere words.
This has been a truly awing experience.  Many of us know that in places like this we find the relationships we make to develop quickly, the Honor Academy is no exception, the relationships I've formed here seem already life long, and its mindblowing to acknowledge that it's only been three weeks.
Three weeks, and I have friends that I miss,  three weeks and I realize right now, were I to go home, a part of me would rejoice in my return and a part would remain in Texas.
Three weeks, and I find that even now, there are alterations under way that will dramatically impact the next year of my life in such a way as to radically change my world.

Let me, for a moment, pause, slow to understand that when I say things like "Change the world," "Impact," "make a difference" it is not with a blight nonchalance that I do so, it is sober-mindedly assessing that one person can affect at least one person who will go on to affect one person, if in one year a life is changed, then after 10 years 10 lives are changed, but if I were to strive harder, to make it my mission to touch more than just one life, what if I purposed my life to love unconditionally, to care with reckless abandon, to lead with passion, and to serve with zeal then I could easily affect 100 lives, and those 100 lives now forever different because they met me, will go one to affect 100 more, by the end of one year 1million lives are changed!     \

I came here to light on fire, I came here to recapture my relationship with Christ, what I have found (only in three weeks) is that the fire was never out, the relationship never dry, that I only needed to wake up and realize the truth of where I am.  Now, that I have seen that I am purposing my life to strive for excellence, to have a vision of GENUINELY impacting the lives of those around me, longing for the wisdom to do so, disciplining myself in order to accomplish this, and leading those who desire to make a difference.
My heartbeat is to provoke a young generation to passionately pursue Jesus Christ and to take His life giving message to the ends of the earth, and empowering Godly men and women to posses wisdom, vision, and discipline to excel as leaders who's lives advance the kingdom of God.  And I will conduct myself Honorably before God and man in word, thought, and deed. My heart's cry is to see lives actually lived to their potential, I am tired of watching us waste away.

Semper Honorablus!