"The Art of living, lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on"-Henry Ellis

The art of living, lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.... Ellis couldn't be more right.  Whats more, how few of us then live, that is, truly live?
Being a barista, I have a unique opportunity to encounter a pletheara of people from all sorts of backgrounds, upbringings, philosophies, religions, and personalities.  I have the chance to see people at their very worst (before the morning joe), at their best, and somewhere in between.  This venue open up a million screens to see how we live; some of us come in with our burdens, our joys, our stresses, and our ploys, scheming at all times to "keep calm, and carry on."  Few of us are truly living, as described by Ellis; many of us are stranded in the wasteland of nostalgia, many suspended in to pursuit of what could be, and still more trudging through thier days "living in the moment."  No one who constantly surveys the horizon could permit himself to hold on to where he was, or is at, for fear that it would entangle him, restricting his forward motion.  None of those nostalgic introspectators can ever truly let go of what happened, even just enough to reach the next rung on the ladder.  And the thrillseekers in basking in "the moment" have neither held on to their past, nor let go to look ahead, leaving them in a freefall to the bottom.  We must learn to hold on to what should be maintained, and let go of what should be lost.
Philosophies spanning the ages have attempted to oblidge this need, but seemingly always faltering to one side or the other.  I find this especially troubling as I cannot let go of the things Ive said or done, and cannot seem to hold on to what matters to me most, and I simply cannot live "in the moment"  with this much baggage and that many "what ifs.
A  connundrum even more incideous when you realize that at any given moment I have no way of being certain of any emotion being my own.The last six months have left a scorched earth in their wake, I left this place to seek a refuge, pursue an idea, encounter God... upon my arrival I quickly discovered that God had other plans.. shortly then after sending me home again, and now, as I look behind me, I see I have left some of the most influential people in my life  behind, and upon this prodigal return; there was no ring or fattened lamb, no party to celebrate or commemorate; simply slowly re-inserting (as if back into the matrix).
If one isn't careful, the matrix can reassimilate your mind back into itself, your ideas of reality and fantasy become progressively similar, and before you know it you cannot see where the rabbithole ends.  Here is where I find myself tonight, suspended between realities, but there is no turning back, I've swolled the red pill... I cannot unsee what I have seen. 
I must remember that my life was lived, things were said, more things done, more still awaiting their consequences.   Though, now, after having unplugged, I can see a faint discrepensy in the shifting scenery of my "reality."  Once daily things are now painted with this obviousness distancing them enough see through their false presentation into their cores, revealing a lie. 
The heart wrenching thing is watching as those, you once called brothers, sisters, and compatriots, accept the lies as pure truth, without the slightest hesitation.  Now, it seems, I am alone.

If the art of living, lies in a fiune mingling of letting go and holding on, then I must let go (at least to some degree) my transgressions, forgiving myself for their idiocy, and I must hold on to the little beams of light I can find, gripping them white nuckled and tenacious. 

Fair enough, and a tall order to boot.. but what then?  if I have loosened or released  that which I must and ferociously retained the most important, must take a step forward, or I will reintegrate with mediocrity.  Like a cancer it waits, seizing every chance to inhibit my goal, but I will not be controlled by an impulse any longer.

Painful as it will always be; to those who have begun their walk out of my life, I release you.. I will hold on to you no longer.  I will cling to the single constant I have; Christ.  He, being the only immutable constant in my life, I will surrender once again, and as many times after, and I will do what I have been charged to do.

So long as breath is in my lungs, and Christ renewing my mind, I will not permit myself to crumble under the falty reasonings of desperation.

Rough, uncut, and unrefined as it may be... hense begins my mingling.