The dark side of light.

So, it occurs to me, that many people have no concept of what Christianity is.  I know the Islamic community believes we are all sinners because they hear us declare that we are a Christian nation, and then they see lady Gaga, and wonder what sort of God would support that. The Atheistic community looks at us talk about our heady theology, and our scientific quarries, watching us claim the name of Christ and then turn around and bomb a family planning clinic, or turn our backs on someone because they didn't live up to the standard. If we say we have no sin we deceive ourselves and the light is not in us.  Are we truly so depraved that we can call ourselves Christian if we ignore the very words of Christ with our behavior yet condemn a man for his sin?
We live on the darker side of light.
I recently came to an understanding that I am not who I thought I had been for the last 20 years. In fact I wasn't even alive until roughly 10years ago. I look back into my memory and see darkness.  Not the theological sort but real relentless darkness, I can't even see myself back there.
This brings me to a place where I realize I don't know who I am.
Or rather who I've been.  I lived as a secret for years, unknowing of my words. What I liked, or wanted.. I was asleep. Literally dead without knowing it.
I was a prisoner in my mind.
Now I have grown up in the Church, and I have never known separation from God, so how can I know where my brother is if I have never seen his world?
I cannot.
I have grown afraid of the self I never met, and now am at first discovering I hadn't lived yet.
This stuck a fear of great proportion in me, if I was born somewhere in my 9th grade year, then who lived my life, what was he like, what had he done that I will have to account for?
I live with such fear or this that I surpassed it and now I have lost it.
But to my point, I have never lived away from the grace of Christ, but I have lived in secret, and I must new ask myself.. where do you go when you realize your life didn't happen?
When the walls come crashing to he floor. I know my teachers would say run to God, but how does one run to a being not physically in their world? How does one  surrender to he that cannot be seen?
This I do not know.
But faith as I am told is to believe even though there is no tangible evidence, and evidence in my experience is not so objective as it is, so evidence without imperacle process is even less so.  But my heart and soul and mind can't be manipulated like that, not that well, and that concurrently not that perfectly, so thee must be truth there.. truth even though truth cannot be seen so scientifically.  I have resolved that as I had not lived until so recently it serves to ask had I ever been saved from myself? If no, then what have I been doing? Could that exain it?
What had he done that I must account for? Is there grace for me?
Is there mercy for me?
Is there love for me?
Has he even met me?
These are the cries of a newly realized heart, cries from the darker side of light.