I know its been a while since I said anything at all, and I would wander to the notion that I have yet to say anything of lasting value yet.. so allow me a moment to change that.
A variety of things have happened since my last post, namely moving home, finding a brand new church, and re-establishing my faith. To the few who read this having actually met me, they may be surprised to know I have been a terrible example of Christ in their lives as of late. So to support that, and perhaps open the door to fix it, I'll tell you the story of what these last weeks have amounted to.
Roughly two and a half weeks ago, my friend invited me to her church, its The Crossing in Elk River. So I went. I was struck by the Christ-like attitude of everyone I met there, I was blown away by the worship and how much I could feel that the people here were not just singing, not like at other churches at least. I was further astonished by the message, the speaker was talking on the story of Ruth, I know it well, and her style was not new, nor was her message, however; I can tell you God moved there. I talked with my friend for something like six hours after that.. and I realized I had come to a crossroads, to either accept or (continue to) deny that God chooses to love me.
Love Kindness: Leave the harsh words behind me, leave the snapping back at the door, my arrogance, and selfish-motives have no right to impose on my actions.
Walk Humbly with my God: What am I? We so often get it in our heads that we can somehow demand an audience with the God we worship. Why? We are nothing! We drown in merely three inches of water (not even enough to bathe in. Wind, which literally nothing! pushes us over, and tears up earth killing two people in MN! Not to mention micro-scopic little bugs (supposedly lower [lowest] evolved organisms) kill us.. and debilitate us! With what authority can such pathetic excuses for organisms are we that we can demand a response or complain about the choices of a God who designed it all?
We cannot.
This is hard for me.
To first let him love, and second let myself be inferior.
To shut up.
To sit down.
To back away, because I will make it worse the harder I try.
I'm learning how to let him love, its hard, it hurts, but I'm sure if clay could talk... it would laugh at me for how little I have to deal with compared to being torn, mashed, and incinerated before its ready to do its job... and that right there... that makes it worth a try.
I am trying to learn how to be loved again, to find the balance between becoming who I was made to be, and not becoming so consumed by the dreams that I forget how insignificant I am.
To not get lost in training for the Olympics that I ruin my life in the process and forget why I signed up in the first place.
So, I will take this moment, and apologize to my friends who may read this, for my pathetic excuse for my faith, and I will promise that while I cannot promise to be good at it, I will try to be a better ambassador of Christ than I have, and maybe then, truth can win out over my pride and God moves.
God bless.
A variety of things have happened since my last post, namely moving home, finding a brand new church, and re-establishing my faith. To the few who read this having actually met me, they may be surprised to know I have been a terrible example of Christ in their lives as of late. So to support that, and perhaps open the door to fix it, I'll tell you the story of what these last weeks have amounted to.
Roughly two and a half weeks ago, my friend invited me to her church, its The Crossing in Elk River. So I went. I was struck by the Christ-like attitude of everyone I met there, I was blown away by the worship and how much I could feel that the people here were not just singing, not like at other churches at least. I was further astonished by the message, the speaker was talking on the story of Ruth, I know it well, and her style was not new, nor was her message, however; I can tell you God moved there. I talked with my friend for something like six hours after that.. and I realized I had come to a crossroads, to either accept or (continue to) deny that God chooses to love me.
Understand, I have grown up in the church. I sang the song "Jesus Loves Me" ad-nauseum.. and I have read, re-read, and memorized John 3:16 to the point of callus. I have heard more times than I could count "Jesus love you" "God loves you" or "Grace abounds." But I am too well versed in the nature of the Church to have said "God cannot love me" so much as "he shouldn't love me" which I still believe, and no honest believer would disagree. However much I know he does, did, and will, I'm afraid to let him, because then maybe I won't be tortured anymore, my punishment will end, and I don't believe that is okay. So I rejected it for so long.I prayed, really, for the first time in a while, and I was honest, I said "I'm not ready for what that means, but I'll give it a go anyway." For the first time in three years, I felt okay. Life seemed to have healed some, at least enough that I could assume I was finally going to wake from this coma and thrive again. Little did I know that I was far from that point. a couple of days later I ended up finally moving back home, which is a bitter sweet thing. I went back to the Crossing this last Saturday, and oddly enough (again) the message was perfectly applicable in my life. Conflict. the verse that they centered on was Micah 6:8
"He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?"Do Justice: in my life right now I need to do what is right, even if it hurts, even if it means I am embarrassed, or consequently lose the fight.. or feel like I have forfeited something to my opponent.
Love Kindness: Leave the harsh words behind me, leave the snapping back at the door, my arrogance, and selfish-motives have no right to impose on my actions.
Walk Humbly with my God: What am I? We so often get it in our heads that we can somehow demand an audience with the God we worship. Why? We are nothing! We drown in merely three inches of water (not even enough to bathe in. Wind, which literally nothing! pushes us over, and tears up earth killing two people in MN! Not to mention micro-scopic little bugs (supposedly lower [lowest] evolved organisms) kill us.. and debilitate us! With what authority can such pathetic excuses for organisms are we that we can demand a response or complain about the choices of a God who designed it all?
We cannot.
This is hard for me.
To first let him love, and second let myself be inferior.
To shut up.
To sit down.
To back away, because I will make it worse the harder I try.
I'm learning how to let him love, its hard, it hurts, but I'm sure if clay could talk... it would laugh at me for how little I have to deal with compared to being torn, mashed, and incinerated before its ready to do its job... and that right there... that makes it worth a try.
I am trying to learn how to be loved again, to find the balance between becoming who I was made to be, and not becoming so consumed by the dreams that I forget how insignificant I am.
To not get lost in training for the Olympics that I ruin my life in the process and forget why I signed up in the first place.
So, I will take this moment, and apologize to my friends who may read this, for my pathetic excuse for my faith, and I will promise that while I cannot promise to be good at it, I will try to be a better ambassador of Christ than I have, and maybe then, truth can win out over my pride and God moves.
God bless.
